Listening
We listen with our ears, but can we also listen with our hearts? Are words the only way we communicate with one another? Can we pick up a subtle signal, a change in mood or demeanour and understand what is happening with someone else?
My sister and I were quite different personalities, which is true of all siblings. I was older, she was younger. She looked to me for cues and signals – I had walked the terrain for almost four years before she arrived therefore in her mind I ought to have known where the path was smooth and where to watch for the landmines (sometimes I did not know). Along with that, for the entirety of her life she expected that I, better than anyone else, would understand her emotions – without having to communicate verbally. That is a tremendous responsibility for a child. Much too often, to my regret, I was not equal to the task.
On occasion when she was upset about something and I neglected to ask the reason, indignant accusations of me of being selfish and not caring flew. I would remind my sister that I had talents, but mind reading was not one of them. On other occasions thinking I knew my role, I would ask the cause of the unhappiness. Those occasions would result in shouts to mind my own business. It was a tango we perfected throughout our lives with me never quite managing to keep up with the beat. The rare occasions when we were in tune with one another meant we were hearing the same song.
My sister’s death at a much too early age meant the two of us not experiencing the joy of being able to grow older together, or the possibility that life might have become more of a waltz than a tango. She never knew that I had with time and maturity the chance to perfect my listening. To stop listening just for words, but to realize that listening can happen through the heart. Silence offers the possibility to completely understand the people we love and care about through knowing who they are, not what we expect them to be through our eyes. There are times when words fail to materialize and what remains unspoken is what we are hoping someone else can hear.
As the older sibling, expectation by our parents and to a degree my sister, to be the leader and the teacher did the two of us a disservice. I learned that an older sibling does not have to be a leader in all things. Siblings are meant to walk side by side sharing what each knows to better enrich one another’s lives. I took those lessons my sister taught me, enabling me to be a better parent, with the wisdom and understanding to know and interpret my children’s silences through knowing what makes them so unique, seeing where they might trip and fall, what strengths they possess and where weaknesses require additional time and care.
I never needed to be able to read anyone’s mind. I needed to know how to listen so that I could truly hear. I needed to know how to read a heart. I wish I had been better able to read my sister’s. Hopefully, somehow, she knows that.