Waiting

I have never been a fan of Tom Petty’s music, not for any specific reason. That’s not true - it is his voice. I’m particular (some would say fussy, annoyingly so – and they do say) about voices. Bob Dylan springs to mind at once. Neil Young. Carly Simon. Stevie Nicks. Robert Plant. Tom Petty. And while I might not have an ear tuned to their frequency, I won’t deny that some of these artists are poets and their song lyrics are often deeply meaningful.

Take for instance “The Waiting” by Tom Petty. These last few days the chorus of that song has been running through my brain like a viral ear worm. I never really listen to this song because as soon as it is next in the queue on the car radio, I switch to another channel. Despite my pushing it away, over the years, that specific chorus has infiltrated my listening ears.

“The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part” ~ Tom Petty

I wondered what he was thinking when he wrote that song. I know what it means to me today, and for the last few weeks. What it has often represented to me at times of needing to wait for something. Not a gift or a birthday or a celebratory holiday – the waiting for news, good or bad. The waiting to find out “what next”.

I’m off tomorrow to have a mammogram – the second in almost three months. The first was fine, no evidence of disease. And then in late February something changed. It was an infection that was treated, however, my doctor, thorough as she is (and I’m grateful for that) wanted to know “why” this happened. As did I. An ultrasound showed inflammation that was considered “undetermined” and a recommendation for a mammogram for further information. I have no problem with that – I would rather know exactly what is happening.

I’m sanguine about all this. Or trying to be. I want answers and if there is further testing to be done after this mammogram, so be it. I’ve been down this road before although after twenty years, the terrain has changed and there have been a great many improvements and advancements. That’s good news. I hold on to that.

I’m an optimist and I always look for the silver lining. I am also a realist. I put my trust in professionals and experts, and I tackle obstacles head on.

But it’s the damn waiting. Waiting for tests. Waiting for results. Waiting to know if this is a situation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The waiting to get on with the other things in my life that are “waiting” for me to deal with. That feeling of being stopped in your tracks. A reminder that you cannot pass “go”. The longest red light as you wait for it to turn green.

I’ve filled the time (almost 4 weeks) with other thoughts and other activities. Keeping my mind occupied with laughter and happy moments. I’ve been seeking glimmers of joy and sharing those moments with others. I’ve continued with my regular routines and taken moments to do something spontaneous to be “in the moment”. Other things have been set aside until I know what comes next.

Waiting IS the hardest part of this. I’m taking it on faith that whatever card is played to me tomorrow morning I will at least have peace of mind because the wait is over.