Clearing Space
As the boxes were pulled out of storage for all of the holiday decorations to be put back into tissue paper, and into their cubbyholes for the return to where they are held for 11 months of the year, this year I decided it was time to do a cull and a clearing out before everything was repacked and held out of sight.
We accumulate things over time. I looked in those boxes when I was getting ready to decorate the house and trim the tree this year and wondered where it had all come from. Years worth of seeing something at a craft fair that I knew would make a lovely addition to the décor. A gift of another Santa from a friend who knew how much I love my Santa collection. Wreaths that seem to have multiplied on their own like rabbits in the darkness. Ornaments that Santa had left in my children’s stockings so that when they had homes of their own, they would have childhood memories (note – they have told me that they do not want these baubles – yet. They will remain in storage until the day when one or both of them say “remember that ornament we bought when we were vacationing in…” and I have boxes with those treasures labelled with each of their names for when that day arrives). Then there are the handmade creations the boys made in elementary school. Those are for them as well. So, before the holiday season had even officially begun the decision to divest myself of so much of this was made.
I’m clearing space for more than that though. Looking at these items from the past I realized that it’s time to leave more of the past behind in order to move forward into the new year with all the new ideas I have and plans I’ve been making. These are things and thoughts that have held me back and weighed me down.
The past can hold you in its grip like a vice. It has for me. I have been the family historian, the keeper of the memorabilia, the photographs, the ephemera, the antiques and the memories. I took on this role voluntarily when there was still extended family to ask questions of, to listen to their stories, to keep a record of who we were and who we became. I have boxes of photographs of extended family that have no direct connection to me or my children. I have journals and letters and WWI and WWII mementoes. I need to do a cull there as well which is harder to do than it is with “things” that hold no sentimental value. How do you throw away photographs? How do you throw away someone’s journal? A journal that is pertinent to the family member who penned it but to no one else. How do you decide what is worth keeping and what can be let go of? That requires a razor like approach which is surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. I am looking at things critically, not sentimentally.
I had planned to write an extensive family history to leave for my children. I spent years researching and compiling the information. I solved mysteries and I discovered secrets that those involved never expected would be uncovered. I have put together the chronological history of where we began to where people have traveled. And I realized over the last few days that what I have is enough. I have concluded that I don’t need to write a history that will take even more time and I understand now why I have procrastinated so long over getting that project done. I can narrow things down to short stories that matter to keep alive the memories of people who were dear to me. And a tree chart that explains names, places and dates is sufficient. I know my sons will be just as happy with that.
I’m putting down the heavy burden that I had placed on my own shoulders to make room for other projects that have begun to claim space in my life. I can already feel my shoulders dropping and a feeling of excitement at what I am making space for coming in.
In thinking back on why I wanted to take on the responsibility of being the holder of the flame, I can see I was doing it for others. For those I have loved who are gone and whose memories I have cherished. A way of keeping them alive. I know now that they are alive and cherished in my memories and in my heart. I’ll make sure there are enough photographs and important information about those I was closest to for my children who have their own memories of those they have loved and will at some point need to make room themselves for new people, and the many new memories they are already creating.